Monday, April 23, 2012

The Gander Incident: a Rebuttal

   Hi there! If you have been reading at the Lazy W for a bit then you are familiar with my ten-four-good-buddy M Half. She is the smart as snot girl blogger with whom I shared that infamous Pine Forest Misadventure. Okay. M is in Europe this month enjoying a much deserved sabbatical, and I have to say that North America is poorer for her absence. Do take a peek at her blog; she is chronicling great stuff daily!
   However. 
   Today I am going to take advantage of her not being at a six-hour striking distance and write a rebuttal to her recently published "G is for Goosed by a Gander." Everybody relax! Especially you, Mom! Last month she shared her version of the hike, so now I am simply offering my version of this, umm, violation, but as a line-by-line argument. Fair's fair, baby!


********************


M Said:
I've been avoiding telling this story for a couple of weeks now. I keep reliving the whole thing and    the worst part, the worst part, is how no one came to my defense. They sat and watched, nay, they laughed. Laughed a horrible, terrible, heartless laugh. I think there were tears in his eyes, and he almost fell off his chair. In retrospect, I sort of wish he had.


I Say: 
Yes, we laughed. But it was anything but heartless. Our hearts were fully involved in the transaction. No one laughs that hard without some passion.


M Said:
Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up.


I Say:
That's what she said.


M Said:
I asked Marie if I could spend a day working with her at the Lazy W. I've spent many days watching her work, doing my own computer-y stuff, and listening to her move about. This time, I wanted to leave the computer in the car and join her in doing chores. She writes about brushing the horses and it just sounds all romantic and dreamy and wonderful. I've been around enough that I know it's hard work. Marie works harder than I do, for sure. But for a day? Sounded like fun. It's like The Lazy W is my own personal dude ranch. And Marie cooks. Bonus.

So theyer I was, ready for some werkin. 



I Say:
We actually do talk this way when we're alone at the farm. Case in Point? Murder Sheyed.



She Said:
We cleaned out buffalo and horse troughs. She shoveled poo. I got sunburned. We ate fruit and cheese. Her Handsome came home and we all sat outside chatting in the shade. Marie told me again how MIA and Mama Goose had come to sit on her back while she read the other day.


I Say:
I really don't work that hard. But I do move around a lot, on account of the excessive coffee intake around here. And actually when M asked how she could help, I shrewdly assigned her one of my least favorite tasks... scooping debris out of the large-animal troughs. LOL But she's a trooper. And yes, she did get a little pink around the shoulders, a fact I grew to regret later that day... Regarding my prior goose-sitting experiences, let me stress that up to this point everything had been platonic. I had been reading on a picnic blanket when both Mia and Momma Goose climbed gingerly on the small of my back and sunned themselves while I polished off some good fiction. After a few chapters everyone's innocence was still perfectly in tact. This was about two weeks before the incident being described here.


She Said:
She came out of the house waving a blanket around. "Let's see if they come sit with you!" She spread the blanket out and I giddily stretched out on my belly to try it.


Sure enough, MIA didn't even hesitate. He climbed right up on my shoulder and positioned himself somewhere around the back of my head. 


I Say:
This was a red flag that I missed. Mia wasted zero seconds getting to M's shoulder blade area. There was no polite back sitting or sun cuddling whatsoever. And the truth? I was instantly transfixed. Frozen in morbid observation. My bad.


She Said:
His little feet were a bit scratchy and on freshly sunburned skin, I felt a little tender. Marie asked if he was hurting me and I said a little. This next part is a bit of a blur. I have spent the last week trying to figure it all out.


I was focusing on trying to soothe my skin when I realized there was something going on behind my head. MIA was pulling my hair, and hard. There was a flurry of activity and I couldn't figure out what it was until I saw Handsome's face. He was red, laughing with big fat tears rolling down his face. His expression told me everything I needed to know about MIA's intentions with the back of my head.

Where was Marie? Right next to me. Laughing, watching, and doing nothing to stop it.

I Say:
Raise your hand if you have ever laughed nervously or if you loved National Geographic shows. It's fascinating, right?

She Said:
"Ow, get him off me! It hurts!" I'm not sure how long it took. 3 hours? 30 minutes? Maybe 15 seconds ... it's all the same.


I Say:
Like, eight and a half seconds. It would have been a winning rodeo score.

She Said:
Finally Marie pulled this lusty bird off my head and I sat up to fend off any additional advances. Handsome still couldn't actually form words with the laughter ripping through him. Marie looked a bit stunned. MIA kept trying to ... woo ... me again.


There was some talk of video and YouTube and encouragement for me to lay back down to replay the sordid scene all over again.

"NO!"


I Say:
Perhaps M has forgotten HER offer to put Mia on MY back and replay the drama in reverse! Perhaps the tears of laughter in her own eyes had obscured her vision just a tiny bit, and the tears of laughter on mine and Handsome's faces appeared just a little fatter than they really were. Maybe. But I do admit there was talk of YouTube. And later that night Hubs (M's guy) was on board, ready to rake in the cash, already making financial plans for the inevitable golden egg.

She Said:
And that's how my relationship with MIA crossed a line we can't ever uncross. I may never see geese the same way again.


No geese were harmed in the construction of this blog post. My ego, however, may never be the same.


I Say:
Mia was certainly affected by the whole thing, though not the least bit harmed. His love for M is stronger than ever. And while he and Momma still take sun naps with with me, now there is no fraction of a chance that gander is allowed anywhere north of my rib cage. Ever. I may even paint a sign warning visitors of the lustiness around here. 


As for my friendship with M, I just hope she still trusts me. I hope she knows deep in her bones that I would never allow that to happen with a hooved animal or even a talon-weilding rooster. Also, if she needs some neosporin I have some handy. And I hope she takes it as a compliment that Mia loves her so.


********************

   So that's pretty much what happened. It was a quick and sudden event that has given the four of us plus our friends and families many hours of laughter mileage since that afternoon. We learned a lot more about our tolerances, curiosities, and greed in the conversations that followed.
   The moral to the story?  I am not sure there is one. Just that you never know when or how you will learn more about your friends. Oh, and geese need love too.

Sorry About Your Shoulders, M!
Enjoy Europe!
xoxoxo

pinnable

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