What follows here is my contribution to the cause. The cause of personal confession mixed with an attempt at levity. I've given myself permission to be wildly long-winded today, so feel free to take notes. Not really.
Chapter One: Eleven Riveting Facts About Me
- I am an awful typist, like, the worst you will ever meet in your life. I spend huge amounts of time and energy editing the smallest typed things, even texts. It's embarrassing. Despite this, though, I can get stupidly indignant about spell-check errors.
- I am a recovering Grammar Nazi, but I remain proud of the fact that I can diagram almost any sentence thrown at me. Sometimes if a less than thrilling person is talking to me for too long and I start to doze, I mentally diagram their sentences to stay alert. This is fun, but the trouble is that it invariably reawakens the Grammar Nazi.
- Most people who know me already know this, but I have accidentally broken out my two top front teeth about nine times in my life. Or thirteen or forty, I have lost count by now. I have nightmares about them a few times a month.
- I first became a mother when I was twenty-two years old. I felt older and wiser then than I do now (more prideful indignation), and looking back I shudder to think of my precious daughter being trusted to the girl I used to be.
- I am a shameless hoarder of notebooks, spaghetti-strap dresses, romaine lettuces, and various black mascaras.
- In fact, I could get used to being without a lot of material things in life, but not notebooks. I probably could not function as an information-in/information-out kind of person without a stack of notebooks and a clutch of pens nearby at all times.
- Also perfect coffee.
- The level of peace I have about my girls being away from home right now is misunderstood by almost everybody. Almost. As is the depth and severity of pain I feel simultaneously. And the few people who do understand these twin emotions are more precious to me than I can express.
- Adulthood is different than I expected. True love is better than anyone ever told me. The notion that the glory days are all in youth is sad and misleading. These are things I hope to show my girls when the time is right.
- Gardens... Flower gardens, food gardens, formal, wild, personal, public... All gardens fascinate and inspire me in a thousand ways. When visiting new cities I am much happier finding their gardens than shopping their malls. And touring the outdoor spaces of new friends is one of my favorite ways to get better acquainted.
- I could use some help with time management. Like, for real you guys. Please?
Chapter Two: Periphery Asks, I Answer.
This should be interesting. Before we begin, may I submit that
her questions are going to be a lot more interesting than my answers! Brace yourself.
1. If there were 5 birds in your yard, which one would you eat? And why? As a matter of fact, we have LOTS of birds in our yard, and I am reluctant to eat any of them. Though I do eat their liquid offspring greedily. One day I aim at a rooster harvest. One day.
2. What's the best thing that happened to you when you were 7 years old? I was approximately this age when my parents and grandparents started their lamp company, Village Art Lamps in Oklahoma City. It was a family effort from day one. I remember Dad giving us a pile of lamp components on Grandma's carpeted living room floor and encouraging us to design lamps. Also, my Uncle Timmy had lived with us for a while. He couldn't have been older than seventeen or eighteen, and I loved him so much. I was devastated when he said he was moving out. I still get choked up when I remember that night. These things all happened together, so it's a strongly bittersweet memory.
3. If the mob was going to take one of your fingers to recover a debt, which finger would you give them? Why? (Or would you do that thing where you flip the table and grab the giant meat cleaver from Vito?) I might not have the prettiest manicure in town, but I like all of my ten fingers, thanks very much. And the only debt I might ever owe is a library fine. Is it that serious? Is losing a digit to the mob something I should worry about???
4. If you were to throw a drink in someone's face, what drink would it be and why would you do it? I have done this once in my life, and I don't want to talk about it. Yes, I am ashamed.
5. Someone gives you a gorgeous mink coat for a gift, would you wear it? Why or why not? I actually own a really beautiful black, waist-length mink jacket. Handsome bought it for me at an estate sale (because that's how we roll) and has asked me repeatedly to wear it out. He was raised with women wearing such things, while I was not. I agree it looks gorgeous and feels amazing, but I have only worn it out on the town one time, on New Year's Eve. I keep trying to think of new outfits for it but always wind up with the attitude: If I just went down two jeans sizes it would look so much better. Typical vanity stuff.
6. You are trapped in an elevator with the following people: Elton John, Kathy Griffin, Jimmy Carter and John Malkovich. What do you do? Would you take pictures with your cell phone? Okay, let's talk about this. First of all, Instagram. I would flood the web with highly edited Instagram shots of these people. Also, I saw video of a near-miss throw down between Kathy Griffin and Elizabeth Hesselbeck and was rooting for my fellow blonde conservative the whole time. Griffin is sometimes funny, but her shrill sarcasm gets to be too much. She needs to be taken down a peg or two. Carter? He was President while I was in gradeschool. I once thought my classmate who shared his daughter's name might actally be his daughter. I'd like to get that cleared up with him directly. Maybe see the photos in his wallet. I would hope Elton John didn't have ideas to steal my sultry black mink jacket. And I would invite John Malkovich for a nice meal and a garden tour somewhere. He is crazy-bones interesting!
7. Who did you want to be when you were 13? Are you that person? Why or why not? Believe it or not, I wanted to be a nun. And clearly I am not a nun today. But I also wanted to be a writer and a marine biologist. Hhhmmm, I do a form of writing now, though not for money YET, and I have all of these amaing animals, so... Maybe I was just off on the nun part and the marine part. Though I do feel tightly connected to God most of the time and I do still love the ocean. Cool question.
8. If you found a finger in your burrito, would you set it aside and keep eating? Why or why not? This is gross beyond words. As much as I love Mexican food, I might not eat for a year after this. I have a hard enough time finishing any meal where I have discovered a hair. Oh lordy, now I might vomit for real.
9. If your navel dispensed the condiment of your choice, what would it be? Why? Again, gross. Gag me with a spoon.
10. Are you a ferret person? I am so happy this has come up in conversation again. YES. Yes, I love ferrets so much. Not despite their smell, partly because of it. I like that weird, cellar-stink warning from nature. And I love their shape and slinkiness. I adore the way a ferret inspects the world and is kind of self-centered. Much debate surrounds my claim to have owned a ferret as a little girl, but I am sticking to my guns. I once had a ferret. And he loved me.
11. You are given an award for something you are very proud of. You get up to make your acceptance speech and they hand you a box of teeth. Does it throw you off? What do you do? Would you proudly display it on your mantel? Umm, did you write this question just for me, lady? Creepy though that prize might be, a box of extra teeth is not a terrible thing to have around the house. Because a person never knows when she might swim into a concrete wall, fall forward onto a gymnasium floor, or step on a heavy metal rake. Yes, yes I would accept the teeth proudly and gratefully.
Chapter Three: The People I've Tagged
and the Things I Want to Know
I am going to go ahead and tag a handful of writers who have my admiration as well as a healthy dose of my curiosity, but I should warn you that most of these fine people may not participate. Their blogs are either a slightly different tone than what lends to this kind of disclosure, or they have been tagged recently and have graciously bowed out of this game. No biggie, no hard feelings, no worries. I do hope you visit their blogs anyway and dip your toes in their waters.
Heather at New House New Home New Life Heather, my distant support in motherhood and also my gardening and up-cycling inspiration.
Katie at Cabbage Ranch Katie has horses, like us, and she also has a pet deer who just delivered twins! Not to mention an adorable little toddler and another on the way.
Lisa at Living on This Farm Have I pointed you her way yet? Lisa and her partner farm right here in Oklahoma and serve chef-quality feasts of locally raised foods to the community.
Brittany at Vesuvius at Home You know how you can hire an artist to render a painting of your home? I'd like Brittany to write our farm. You will fall in love with her prose and poetry, no matter the topic.
Jen Luitwieler I am a new reader to Jen's blog, but already a devoted one. She writes about running and about life, and she does so with great intelligence and sensitivity. She has a book Run With Me that is on my very short want-to-read list.
The M Half M. You guys know M! She is the sassy chick who almost got me ax-murdered in the forest.
This is what I would love to know about you girls:
- What book did you finish last? What book are you reading now?
- How do you take your coffee? Or is it tea? Or something else?
- Are you a beach bum, a lake rat, or a land lubber? Where are you vacationing this year?
- What time of day do you find it best to shower, get made up, etc? This question is at once more serious and less creepy than it sounds. Pinky promise.
- Who is your most enduring female role model? Or do you have a male role model?
- Each of you is a special kind of writer, and I look forward to finding new material from each of you. I'd love to know about how much time you spend writing each day (or each week) and maybe also what time of day is best for your writing. What are your ideal writing conditions?
- Stephen King is publicly opposed to adverbs, to my understanding. I am passionately supportive of their magic. Where do you stand on this issue?
- Do you believe prayer can change free will?
- Which is more important to you, a sparkling clean and well stocked kitchen or a comfortable, well appointed bedroom and bathroom?
- If you had to change your full name, what name would you choose?
- What little rituals do you perform in the name of good ole superstition?
Do you know what I would really love? I would really love it if each of you had a few minutes to respond to at least a few of these eleven questions (or maybe Periphery's questions!) in the comments below, even if you don't have time to blog the whole she-bang.
Have a really great rest of the night. Thanks for sticking with such a loooonnnng post!
No Stupid Questions, Right?